It's good to be a columnist

Published on 12/10/2001 Daily Egyptian (SIUC)

It must be getting close to Christmas - things around my house are breaking with quickening intensity. I always have these grand plans for Christmas, but instead of buying the family that new 400-inch television set I end up buying parts for household appliances and repairing vehicles. 

Fortunately, none of the vehicles have broken down since Thanksgiving. Friday after Thanksgiving I shed a good little bit of knuckle flesh changing a water pump on my sister-in-law's car on the side of the Western Kentucky Turnpike.

Appliances are different matter this year. Right now our 8-year-old washing machine stands half in and half out of the laundry room, its shell peeled away, exposing a structure that looks eerily similar to a small water tower. It's the only way I could get the pump out, since it appears the pump was the first part installed and the rest of the machine assembled around it. And of course, the one outfit that has complete control of the home appliance parts market in Carbondale isn't open weekends.

Still, it has been a pretty good semester. I have finally realized my dream of being a Daily Egyptian columnist. I applied for the position several times when I first arrived at SIUC, and quickly found while many are called, few are chosen. I went to work in the newsroom thinking that would get me an "in," but found that life as a reporter left little time for column writing. I was supposed to have a column this past summer, but the smaller summer edition left no room for an extra columnist.

Finally, fame and glory have been mine this semester. And I have gained quite a following. I am happy to say I am read not only in Southern Illinois, but also from the Pacific Northwest to the Florida panhandle and points in between. I think I have even have a following in New England, but I haven't talked with my brother in Massachusetts lately to see if he's still reading me online. The nice thing about online readers is I know they're not reading me in the lavatory.

I had hoped to garner a lot of mail, but it seemed everyone was too busy writing in to bash another columnist whose views were a little more extreme than mine. I did get one letter in the beginning of the semester castigating me for my second column, but I still suspect that was a joke from a friend so I don't count it.
I have been recognized in local businesses, though. My pharmacist threw me off one day when she asked how I made out with city and my truck. It took me a minute to realize that here was someone who was NOT family who had been reading my column! There's nothing like walking into a local business and finding you're a minor celebrity.

My 17-year-old niece has been thrilled to be an occasional part of my columns, and has shown them to all her friends. It assures me an additional audience, and helps me send some not-so-subtle warnings to the local high school Lotharios that I am protective of her, and not a man to be trifled with.

I also have followings at a local bank and with an Internet service provider - places where my sister-in-law and wife work. A little networking never hurts. Maybe next semester they could hand out copies of my column with deposit receipts and Internet bills.

Fame, if not fortune, has been mine and my stocking runneth over. Thanks to all my loyal readers, and I look forward to ranting again next semester. In the meantime, enjoy the break, and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa or "bah, humbug!" (Chose the phrase that fits.)

And next year, please resolve to write the editor in response to at least one of my columns, whether it is to praise me, or flog me with Tongues of Fire.