Parking in the Animal Kingdom

Published on 09/10/2001 Daily Egyptian (SIUC)

I have a host of friends. Since my last column, they have been practically lining up like Boy Scouts in search of a good deed to assist me safely across the street. One called my name repeatedly from across a parking lot to get my attention so I would wait until he could arrive and play crossing guard for me. I worried more for his safety as he crossed the parking lot.

The parking lots on campus have truly become jungles, haven't they? I walk to school most days since I live only a few blocks away. For those of you who are still slaves to your cars, it will get better in a couple weeks as people become more casual about going to class everyday.
I like watching the parking lots, I really do. It's better than a trip to the zoo. Follow along and see if you can spot the critters with me.

First we have the trapdoor spider. The paragon of patience, this parking predator will sit at the end of an aisle for hours, waiting for a spot to open. Some do their homework, some their hair. I've seen trapdoor spiders waiting at both ends of an aisle, and I've wondered what would happen if a space opened dead center in their aisle. Would it be a race? A shoot out? Or would they sit there and stare each other down?

The shark curses the trapdoor spider. Sharks cruise endlessly, restlessly, afraid that a space might open three aisles over while they are trying to get around the trapdoor spider clogging the end of the aisle. Sharks are creatures of opportunity, more hoping to get lucky than anything else.

Lions are a lot of fun. Lions like to stalk their prey, following a student walking through the parking lot to catch them as they open a space. I like playing with the lions, walking through the parking lot on the way home fumbling as if looking for my keys. I had one follow me halfway to my house before he realized I had left the parking lot three blocks earlier.

Then there's the hyena. Hyenas don't do their own hunting. They prefer to steal from another predator, like the lion. Just as a spot opens up, the hyena will show up from out of nowhere and strike, stealing a prize space from the jaws of the lion. They're recognizable by their distinctive laugh as they walk away from a fuming lion.

Finally, there are the 500-pound gorillas. Where does a 500-pound gorilla park? Anywhere he wants. That's usually on the ends of the aisle where they not only block the flow of traffic, but also make it nearly impossible for anyone legitimately parked on the sides of the lot to back their car out and free up a spot for the shark. Gorillas should have their cars towed. By over eager first-day tow truck trainees.

I haven't heard of any fights over parking spaces yet, but I figure it's a matter of time. In order to ensure victory, I recommend a simple exercise program: walk or ride a bike to school. Not only will you be in shape for the battle, you'll free up space in the lots for those that legitimately live too far away to walk to school.

And with fewer lions, sharks and hyenas driving to school, maybe my friends will let me cross the road on my own again.