Return of the Herd

Published on 08/20/2001 Daily Egyptian (SIUC)

The herd is back; you can tell by the destruction in Wal-Mart as the in-migration of returning students ranges up and down the aisles clearing shelves of everything from appointment books to zodiac posters. This is a bad time to go shopping at Wal-Mart; there are more shoppers there now than will be out for the last Christmas rush in December.

I find myself falling somewhere in the middle between citizenry and student; an uneasy fence-sitter with a foot in both worlds. I'm a non-Trad (SIU-speak for "student-with-gray-hair-in-his-beard") living in Carbondale year round with a family. This time of year makes me a little cranky, as I think it does a lot of the permanent Carbondalians. We're trying to shop for the family, and "those @%&*! college kids" are clogging the aisles. A couple of weeks ago I was wandering the aisles of Wal-Mart, my kids' school supply lists in hand, trying to decide between Pokemon or Harry Potter folders for my fifth grader. Someone mentioned the upcoming influx of SIUC students, and while I commiserated with them, I felt a sense of irony since I, too, was "one of them."

That irony hit home again last night as I went back to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things and my 17-year-old niece came along for the ride. As we moved from section to section filling our cart, we looked like the mirror image of most of the other shoppers - a parent shopping with his student, helping her setup her new apartment or dorm room. I doubt anyone suspected I was the student, and the girl with me was just a long to "check out the hotties."

(By the way, for you "hotties" out there - she's only 17-years-old, I AM a gun owner, and I earned a sharp-shooter rating while in the military. Fair warning!)

It's not easy being a non-Trad; the "normal" students all seem to either mistake me for some sort of weird serial killer, or their professor. In at least one of my classes during the first week, someone will come up to me and start asking about the syllabus, grading and attendance policies, etc. I'll tell them I have no idea, and I'll get a look like I just grew a third eyeball. I've been tempted in the past to start telling them some really heinous grading policy and long list of assignments just to watch them run from the room screaming. But I figure if they trample the real professor on the way out, HE might come up with heinous policies in retaliation.

In at least one of my classes, someone will end up sitting next to me because it's the only seat available. That poor student will sit there quietly trembling, maybe wanting to say hello but too damned scared to open his mouth. I don't mean to be intimidating, but for some reason I usually come across that way to a lot of people.

I have a friend who works here at the paper, and it turns out we had a class together my first semester here. I don't remember him, but he sure remembers sitting next to me (yep, it was the only seat open.) Everyday he sat there, shaking slightly, praying I would not glance in his direction. He couldn't switch seats since the professor required us to sit in the same seat everyday to facilitate taking attendance. We laugh about it now, but we would have been friends a lot sooner if he had just taken a chance.

So, welcome to SIUC and Carbondale. If you see me in class, say "hi," I don't bite. And guys, if you run into my niece, say "hi" and "bye" and keep going. I have a gun, a shovel and a big backyard.