PC Police Show Wrong Arm of the Law

Published on 10/19/96 Hanford Sentinel Newspaper

The age of political correctness is upon us, and all of us have had to mend our ways of thinking and acting. Things that were "okay" when I was a youngster are no longer acceptable. Frankly, I think it's a little too late. With the guidelines and restraints placed upon us today, life is supposed to be so much more rewarding for each and every one us. It's just too bad it didn't happen sooner.

Case in point: browsing the wire service news on AOL, I ran across an incident of sexual harassment that could set a precedent which I believe is long overdue. It seems a young man, Jonathan Prevette, was punished for violating his school's rules against "unwelcome touching." Apparently he kissed one of the young ladies in his class on the cheek.

Oh, by the way, Jonathan is six years old, in the first grade at Southwest Elementary School in Lexington, N.C. The young lady whose honor he besmirched is also a first grader. Jonathan alleges that the girl requested the kiss, and that they had kissed before. As a punishment he was pulled out of his class and thus denied an ice cream party for students with perfect attendance.

About time. I've often wondered how long we were going to put up with six year olds kissing each other in our public schools. Unchecked, it could lead to all sorts of things: shared crayons, co-ed kickball games, trading sandwiches at lunch time, or even worse, whole lunches. Better that they understand now that kissing is something that should only be done in the back seat of a car on a deserted road, or behind a shut and locked door while mom and dad are away for the weekend. Better they should learn now that one pretty much needs a notarized release form signed by both parties before safely engaging in that sort of activity.

Personally, I wish we'd had these kind of rules when I was a kid and my aunts would visit. To save them any embarrassment (and my own worthless hide) I won't publicly mention their names. But you know the type, most families have them. They show up to your house uninvited (well, uninvited by you anyway), pinch your cheek and tell you "My, what a big boy you're getting to be! Give your Aunt ______ a big kiss!"

In a word, yech. Mom usually is standing behind you, Aunt Blank's accomplice, prodding you forward and hissing under her breath, "March, Mister... Now!" You're stuck between a rock and hard place.

Geez, talk about unwelcome touching! Aunt Blank usually wore a LOT of perfume, something often smelling quite a bit like kerosene, and her big blubbery lips were pooched out at you covered in very red, nearly indelible lipstick. Not only are you forced to kiss this smeary red maw, but the evidence of that smooch would be days in coming off.

Again, yech.

Now little kids have an out. Thanks to the precedent set by Jonathan vs Southwest Elementary School, they can fend off the Aunts, Great Aunts, and other assorted persons out there whose unwelcome attentions they would otherwise be subjected to.

Kids, just clip out and keep this column, or find a copy of the article about Jonathan and his plight.

And tell your Aunt Blank to get lost.

Can't fail.

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